From March to June

Evening sweethearts,

I hope you’re well!

I say this every time- but I always mean it… I am so sorry I’ve been away for so long. I have struggled with both my autism and mental health, especially the last few weeks. I shan’t go into detail, but it hasn’t been the easiest.

Anyway, hello! I’m hoping to get myself into a better routine of posting at least once a month, but hopefully more than that!

June is Pride Month, and I wasn’t able to go to my local Pride 😭 however, this year I think is the “proudest” I’ve been with myself. Not just with my sexuality (I am pansexual), but I am almost

*drumroll*

2 years s/h free!

I actually got a tattoo done recently, a few weeks prior to this date, and it also covers up a previous tattoo that held some very bad memories. It’s only a few days after this tattoo, but it’s already getting itchy πŸ˜… it’s from Pirates of the Caribbean, and it’s the musical locket that Davy Jones and Calypso/Tia Dalma have.

Why did I get this you may ask? Firstly, I am a HUGE Pirates fan! Secondly, Pirates holds a place near and dear to my heart, because it’s a part of Kyle’s and I’s relationship. When Will gives Elizabeth the chest with his heart in, and has that much trust in her… yeah, that’s how I feel about Kyle πŸ’˜ lastly, the series as a whole has helped distract me from hurting myself. The storyline is so powerful!

I’ll attach a photo here that I posted on my Instagram~

So if my tattooist reads this, thank you for creating a beautiful piece that I will forever cherish!

Okay you guys, I just wanted to come on here and say a well awaited hello, and hopefully I’ll get myself in a better schedule for posts! We will be talking about more autism-y things in the near future, don’t worry 🎈

Love you all so much!

Em xxx

Misconceptions about Autism

Evening (well, more like nightπŸŒ‘) my lovelies!

I hope you’re all doing well. I know my posts are so irregular, and I am so sorry about that. The past week has been the most draining week of the year, and things have popped up, which have been extremely stressful.

Anyhow, I want to write about an experience I had earlier in the week. It was a conversation between two people, and I was by no means ease-dropping, I simply heard the word autism, and I can’t switch off after I hear that. But, to add on, the person was talking so loudly… so realistically, most people could’ve heard it πŸ˜…

I believe the person was talking about their niece. I didn’t hear the first part, but from her way of explaining them, that’s what it seemed like.

Now, I just want to say this may be extremely sensitive and triggering for some people. The person was very ableist, even if they “didn’t” realise. It was very difficult for me to process, because it hits so close to home (it might as well smash the front door down at this point though…).

This person was degrading this poor child. They said things, which I want to go into more detail about- coming from someone who has autism themselves. Again, please be aware these comments are very offensive towards autistic people (of any age, any type, no matter how obvious or not).

I could tell there was something wrong with her before she could walk.

Now, I emphasise on the word wrong, because this person greatly stressed on this. Autism is NOT “something wrong”. This is far from the truth. Autism is not “wrong”. Autism just means that our brains don’t work the same as yours. You wouldn’t say that someone with different interests are wrong, would you? No. Autism is nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn’t change your worth, your value, or your power!

Maybe, in fact, you have something wrong with you- because of your ability to easily degrade people who don’t fit into your standards of “normal”. In the future, maybe rephrase this. Maybe you should say “I had a feeling she had some difficulties at a young age”; after all, autism is a

“lifelong developmental disability that affects how people perceive the world and interact with others.”

Source; https://www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/asd.aspx

Oh, she doesn’t realise how stressful she makes us/them

Do you really think she does this intentionally? Do you not think that maybe she is struggling the most… you know, because she’s the one living with that disability!? She’s the one who has to try and process this for the rest of her life? Autism is hard going on those around you, don’t get me wrong, but the people who struggle and suffer the most are the people who have autism. We don’t do this to get something we want…

Rather than thinking that we do this on purpose, educate yourselves on what we struggle with- to therefore in affect minimise the stress on everyone around them. We don’t run out into roads without realising the dangers, or have meltdowns in the middle of a supermarket, kicking, screaming, and crying (this happened multiple times with me as a child) for fun or attention. So many factors can cause us great distress- from not being able to process information, to too much happening at once; even some sounds/smells/textures can set us off.

I would just like to add a note that autistic meltdowns are not the same as temper tantrums.

“The causes of tantrums and meltdowns are different, and so are the strategies that can help stop them. It’s important to remember that the key difference between the two types of outbursts is that tantrums usually have a purpose. Kids are looking for a certain response. Meltdowns are a reaction to something and are usually beyond a child’s control.

A child can often stop a tantrum if he gets what he wants. Or if he’s rewarded for using a more appropriate behavior. But a meltdown isn’t likely to stop when a child gets what he wants. In fact, he may not even know what he wants.”

Source; https://www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/sensory-processing-issues/the-difference-between-tantrums-and-sensory-meltdowns

She will never live an independent life

This is such a gross thing to say about anyone. But about a 9 year old… that is disgraceful. This is beyond false. Would you speak about a child who doesn’t have autism like this? No, you simply wouldn’t. How are you to know that 10, 15, 20 years down the line that a child without autism will live independently? You just don’t know.

To say this is pure ableism. You are limiting that child’s potential. You are saying what they will and will not be able to accomplish.

Now again, would you talk about a child who doesn’t have autism like this? Would you tell them that they’ll never be able to pass school, they’ll never be able to go on and study what they have the most passion and drive for? Or that they’ll never have a family?

You wouldn’t.

You have no place to believe you know a child’s limits. Whether they’re your own child or not. Autistic or not, we are all people!

When I was 9, I can guess that the specialists we were seeing said similar things, BUT, said I could improve over time.

From thinking back, looking through all my paperwork, school reports, my A-Levels… I don’t think I would have believed at age 9 I would ever accomplish what I have. My parents were so supportive, and in fact still are; they always told me I could accomplish anything I set my heart to. They would tell me that I had just as much of a chance as everyone else in school did. They constantly encouraged me to do the things I love, the things I’m good at.

During secondary school, some of my grades began slipping. These were subjects I had no interest in- which, if you know this about autism by now, made it very hard to try and improve. If I had no interest in something, it would go through one ear and out the other. It wasn’t a case of I “didn’t want” to pass; I just couldn’t hold that information… and this is okay. It’s taken me years to come to terms with this, but I have NEVER been so peaceful with myself for doing so. So what if I failed history? It doesn’t define me or make me any less than I am.

Despite those grades dropping, the subjects I loved and had the drive for, I passed with flying colours. My main passion is art, and this has been very clear since day 1. Art came to me very naturally, and I was able to improve much quicker than other students. I would be a lot more picky, since I noticed things others didn’t. I challenged myself wherever I could, because this is what I love to do. I was very fortunate that the teachers I had were inspiring role models, and they were always able to help when I needed it. Even now, I still feel so lucky, and I’ll never be able to thank them enough for all they did!

This is probably one of the longest posts I’ve ever written… and it will not be the last. I’m planning on working on a series based on emotions, and how I’ve found each one is for me. These will be on each emotion, eg happiness, and how they affect me, how I show them, what not… I’m very excited needless to say!

Thank you as always for all your love, support, and time! Take care of yourselves, and if you have any questions or suggestions, feel free to message myself ✨

Lots of love, hugs, and bunny fluff,

A very tired but proud Em x

A Quick Update

Hi hi!

Welcome back πŸ’– I’m so sorry I’ve been gone so long- life has been hectic! My autism has been a bit of a yo-yo, but I am okay ☺️

Where to start… I don’t even know! My best friend had her baby, the boys turned 4, we’ve lived in our home for over 3 years…

*insert brain fart*

Hi. I helped my big brother start his own blog, and he’s autistic too! Our types of autism are somewhat different, but we usually get each other pretty well. He’s such an awesome guy, and I am so happy to call him my big bro! πŸ₯°

Had to make so many different phone calls to sort so many things out, and it’s taken a lot out of me. Some people could say that it’s not hard, but I do struggle after it’s done. However, it had to be done. It was unavoidable, emails just take too long, and usually I know more of what to say than Kyle (do keep in mind though that I will put it on speaker and Kyle will listen + stay with me)

Is there anything you guys want to ask me? It can be autism related, mental health, whatever you’d like to know!

Take care, and lots of love

Em xxx

Autism in its Finest

Good evening lovelies! πŸ₯³

It’s been a while. Just to give the heads up, my SAD has gotten better since my anti-depressants were upped! πŸ‘

Also a pre-warning I’ll be talking about my recent experience with autistic meltdowns… please read with caution if this triggers or upsets you ❣️ don’t ever want to upset any of you!

So yesterday (Thursday, December 20th), we went to a town nearby for an event. This page is not going to become political, so I shan’t go into detail with regards to the event we were going to attend…

We got the train at 1pm, and got there around 1:30pm. I hadn’t eaten, so we went to Boots and I saw this lovely vegan sandwich that I haven’t tried- this is a very good step for me and trying new things! It was delicious, and I’m very proud of myself for trying something new. Tesco had a wrap that was kind of similar, but their textures are very different. (I am not a vegan, I am vegetarian) πŸ₯ͺ

Once I’d eaten, we worked out which shops we needed/wanted to go into to get the last bits of our Christmas shopping together (we are not that fussed on the holidays, and honestly don’t see a huge point… no hate please πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ).

We went into a few shops, Kyle got me something I wanted in Cath Kidston for Xmas; it’s the pink “children’s” cup from the Disney Bambi Collection! It’s perfect for me- a good sized bottle, PINK, floral and has Thumper on it- I am bunnymumem after all πŸ₯°πŸ°

We then didn’t know where this event was being held. At this point, we were wondering around clueless… that’s where my autism really came into full swing..

I could sense it’s been building up for a while now, like, the last week or so. Sometimes it can take a month for everything to build up, sometimes 5 minutes. It just depends on events, sensory, triggers- all sorts! 🧩

The main thing I noticed was the feelings in my hands had gone. Now, this was not a “physical” problem. This is a part of my sensory; touch/feeling. It’s almost like I’d been sat on my hand for hours and it’d gone numb.

Kyle was holding my left hand, but I kept squeezing because I was struggling to feel he was there. I had to stop myself squeezing too tight so I didn’t hurt him. Years ago, more so when I was a child, I wouldn’t realise something would hurt someone. That thought process would not come to me at all. Thankfully, I didn’t hurt him (I’d never want to hurt him, ever!)..

There was way too much going on around me. Noise was the main issue- so children screaming, music playing, cars driving past. I couldn’t just focus on one thing, or blocking it all out. This is something that is very hit and miss for me, and I know this will always be a struggle… and that’s okay.

Now, the next part was the most difficult thing of the whole situation;

I could not talk.

Not one word.

Zero.

πŸ—―

Imagine having to learn to talk all over again, or trying to learn a new language in the space of 10 seconds. It was that hard. My thoughts were spinning around in my head, I couldn’t even form a sentence.

I started snapping at Kyle. He hadn’t done anything, I just snapped at him (I have apologised multiple times, and if you’re reading this, I’m sowwy hunny). Maybe it was because he was the closest thing to me? I don’t really know πŸ˜” unfortunately this isn’t the first time, and I’ve always had this issue (I’m sorry to anyone reading this who I’ve done this to!!πŸ˜–).

However, I was failing miserably. Just a mixture of not being able to speak, emotions, over sensitised.. so most of me snapping at him consisted of gibberish πŸ™„

By this point, we realised we’d missed this event. We sat down, and I could finally talk properly again.

I profusely apologised, with him constantly re-assuring me that it was okay (tearing up whilst typing this because he is just so amazing!). He pulled me in for a hug, because I was at a point where physical contact was okay again- and if you know me, you know I am a huggy person πŸ€—

We went back and did the final store of the trip, and then went back to the train station to go home. Needless to say it had been a long and draining day, but, getting home to the bunnies was just amazing πŸ°πŸ°πŸ‡

If you’ve gotten this far- well done! Thank you for reading ☺️

Being able to have a platform where I can be honest about my autism has really helped! I need to post more, but I struggle with basically everything this time of year (I’m either busy, too tired, or don’t have the emotional energy)🎈

Again, thank you, and I love you!πŸ’–

Em xxx

Seasonal Affective Disorder and Autism

Hello again sweeties!

It’s that time of year where my SAD (seasonal affective disorder) kicks into play. Dealing with this on top of my autism this year has been challenging.

My anti depressants have been upped temporarily for the winter season. We’ve noticed some improvements, but as of me writing this, I’m in a bit of a rut

As some of you may know, I finished my sexual abuse therapy a few months ago. I need to tackle calling someone about my autism, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet… and I’m terrified, so that’s a mix in itself πŸ˜…

I just want to let you know that you aren’t alone πŸ’– whatever you’re dealing with, whatever might be going on… I love you.

My autism has made some coping techniques harder to use/follow, but it does get easier with each try.

Who else has been running off tea and coffee these last few weeks? I know I have πŸ™‹β€β™€οΈ

To keep myself busy, I’ve been wrapping presents for Winter Solstice/Christmas, I’ve been binge watching RuPauls Drag Race (finished season 3-10!), and re-watching all 5 of the Pirates of the Caribbean πŸ΄β€β˜ οΈ

I’ve now taken up a new hobby of creating clay ornament things! It isn’t the highest quality, nor the easiest to manipulate, but it does the job! Once they’re dry, I paint them 🎨 I’ve always loved art, so this has been a new fun thing to do!

Hope you’re all okay, and sending so much love.

Remember; “this too shall pass”

Lots of love, Em xxx

Where Have I Been?

Hello my lovelies! I’m so sorry it’s been almost a month since I last posted.

I mentioned in my last post that my SAD was getting worse… I ended up having to go back to the doctors, and my anti-depressants were upped back to 150mg a day. Honestly, it’s for the best. Nothing else right now would help, and this is just for the winter season. I know this will be my best option, so I hope it helps me in the long run!

As of right now, I have a numb upper lip and the side of my nose. I had to have a filling, and didn’t think (for whatever reason) I’d need to have it numbed :p

Going back to my recent doctors appointment, we also discussed my autism and where to go next. It turns out there is nothing available for autistic adults! I need to speak to the mental health team again to see if they can help, or knowing of somewhere that will…

I hope you’re all well. Is there anything you’d like me to touch on in my next post?

Lots of love, Em x

Head beneath Dark Clouds

Hey guys… so erhm, this isn’t a super happy exciting post, and it may be triggering for some people; so please read with caution.

*mentions of sensory overload, meltdowns, s/h, bad mental health, abuse*

Since we’re heading into winter, my SAD (seasonal affective disorder) has become more prominent. It’s taking a toll on my autism, my depression, basically my whole life. I’m struggling with mornings- so rather than waking up between 8-9am, I’m waking up between 10-11am…

This can affect my whole day, and it’s not been easy. I’ve been slowly trying to come off of my anti-depressant to try something else, but since this has all happened, I have to remain on the current dosage.

I’m almost at the end of my therapy for the sexual abuse, and I can say it’s helped me wonders with that aspect of my life. It’s no longer taking control of me- on some bad days, yes, it can still heavily affect me. It’s still there, it always will be, but managing it has been easier since talking to a professional about it.

We’ve discussed my next steps for recovery, and we came to the decision that I need a few months of a break to take in more of the therapy I’ve had, and to let that settle in more (with my autism, with things like therapy and learning, it takes me longer to fully process). We’ve also agreed that maybe my autism needs some more attention and help…

Strangely, I’ve not felt the need to have any autism therapy up until the past year or so. I had constant speech and language therapy throughout primary school; alongside LSA’s. It’s little things that’ve built up to lead to the position I’m in now.

Kyle and I live next door to a pub. We’ve had to complain in the past for noise, but they’ve been okay for a long time. However… last night, they set off some fireworks.. and that has repeated in my head pretty much ever since. It felt like they were going to blow through the windows, pieces would land on cars and burn… it was horrific. I can’t even comprehend how I would’ve been if Kyle weren’t here with me.

Kyle is my carer, as well as my fiancΓ©. He’s amazing, and I cannot thank him enough for loving me for me- he’s put up through my worst, and I’m almost crying because I am beyond grateful for all he’s done.

Now, if I’m home alone, the animals are my next level of support. They help me with my meltdowns and breakdowns, so both my autism and mental health. Those 3 fluffy babies and Kyle have quite literally saved my life.

But- the animals are scared of fireworks. If Kyle was not home, and the animals were scared… I would be screwed..

I’m going to try and relax for the rest of the evening. We’re watching Star Trek Voyager and Star Trek does help me immensely!

Okay, so I’m going to go and try to calm myself down. Thank you for reading this far and understanding.

All my love to you all, Em xxx